Sexuality & Friendship

Dear Coming Through The Rye Staff,

I asked a question on Yahoo! ages ago asking if they thought I was bisexual.  And they said I was too young and should wait to make the decision.  I really think I am though.  I think I have feelings for my best friend.  She’s a girl by the way and so am I.

I love everything about her.  We’ve known each other for two years.  And come to think of it, she’s the reason I questioned my sexuality!  I remember the other week, she thought she had a crush on one of our other friends (who is also a girl), and I remember thinking “that’s fine.”  However, in truth I was crushed.  By the way, my best friend isn’t a lesbian.  In the end it was just a girl crush that she had – nothing serious.

People on Yahoo! are saying I should just go for it, but I’m wondering if she will say no.  If so, will it make things weird?  Maybe I should get a wingman to tip her off for me.

I really don’t know what to do!  Can you please give me some advice?



Dear Jamie

Thank you for writing to us here at Coming Through The Rye.  Your message addresses several interesting questions.  Let me first say that going through adolescence, and all the changes that it entails, is difficult as it is.  Top off adolescence with LGBTQ issues, it’s understandable if you feel as if you’re carrying the weight of the world.  The reality of it all… everything that you’re dealing with right now… it is a heavy burden.  You should be proud of yourself for being able to handle all these issues… be proud of the way you carry yourself.

First, you mentioned in your message that you are bisexual, and that you really “think” you are.  Regardless of your sexual orientation, it’s important to emphasize the belief that sometimes gay or bisexual feelings and attraction are only a phase that people go through – a stepping stone of some sort on the path to discovering one’s sexual identity. In some ways it’s true.  For some people who experience gay or bisexuality feelings and attraction, it’s merely a stage in acknowledging their heterosexuality or homosexuality.  And although not necessarily everyone goes through this “phase” as a part of growing up, it’s nevertheless normal for those who do.  In the end, it’s important to remember that humans are complex, dynamic creatures.  For example, one’s feelings during one part of life might not match those during another part of life, let alone on a day-to-day basis.  Therefore, for you it may or may not be just a phase.  Only time will time.

I have to agree with the community at Yahoo!  You’re at a very young age.  And during adolescence, it is normal to be curious about your overall development.  With that being said, it’s not necessary to label yourself or your sexuality at this age or any other, if you don’t feel comfortable about doing so.  In fact, as statistics show, a large majority of people become aware of their “true” sexuality in college, after much soul-searching.  So for now, what’s important is focusing on who makes you happy, regardless of gender.

Second – your best friend.  You mentioned in your message that you and your best friend have been friends for two years.  It’s a relatively long time for someone your age.  And in that time, have you gotten the vibe that your friend may be a lesbian?  You mentioned that she’s not.  Is that something she had said herself?  Or is that something you had inferred?  It makes a difference.  If it’s something she had said herself (that she’s not a lesbian), I would respect that.  Maybe she is, maybe she is not.  As her friend, you should not push her or her own sexuality.  Only she can do that.  However, if it’s something you had inferred… then well your options are a bit more open.  However, Jamie, I can’t really advise you on what you should say and do in order to bring it up with your friend.  I will say this though.  What if your friend says that she isn’t a lesbian or that the feelings aren’t mutual?  How would you feel?  Would you be okay?  Would you be willing to risk your friendship with her?  Perhaps, your friendship can wear it out even if she says she isn’t a lesbian or that the feelings aren’t mutual?  These are all possibilities.  In the end, only you know what’s best for you.

I encourage you to add more to this dialogue.

Catching those before they fall and helping those who have fallen back up,


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