Dear Coming Through The Rye Staff,
So me and my girlfriend have been together for the last two years. We recently just split up so she could go to college 6 hours away. When we first got together 2 years ago, we agrees that we would split when it was time to go to college so it was no surprise. We were absolutely in love, we were each others first, we knew exactly how to please each other sexually, we took care of each other after surgeries and sicknesses. We are souls mates to say the least and we’ve told each other that many times. The first week she was away she was very mean to me. She made new friends and she told me she didn’t want to talk to me anymore. It was only a week since we split. She parties until 2-4 am on Friday and Saturday nights. She’s not the kind to sleep around with guys but being drunk can fog her judgement. I went down there week 2 and she told me she missed cuddling with me and she kept play footsie under the table with me. Later that night we went for a walk and we made out for 10 minutes and she told me that she wants to have sex with me but we didn’t have time. The next morning I met with her and she told me she had a dream having sex with me. We ate, kissed and then I left. A few days go by and we talk on the phone and she told me the next we see each other we are having sex. Now the 3rd week she just partied harder then ever and she told me she will never party that hard again. I asked if she had sex with any guys yet and she said no; got really mad, told me its none of my business , accused me of calling her a whore and than said she didn’t have sex with anyone. What’s going on with her? What should I do? Do you think she has had sex with another person? I need to know so I can move on. Keep in mind she wants me to come down there and rent a hotel in October but she doesn’t sound as horny as she did when we kissed last weekend.
Thank you for writing to us here at Coming Through The Rye. It sounds as though you are going through a very rough patch. It takes a lot to ask for advice and explain the situation, so I commend your actions. From reading your letter, it is difficult to understand whether this split between the two of you is meant to be temporary or permanent. For example, you called her your girlfriend in the first line but then said that you two had recently split. My impression is that both of you are having trouble with the break up, and adjusting to new environments. She is trying to establish herself at a university, and her drinking could be an outlet, as a way to deal with the stress of the new environment, and as a way to mourn the break-up. I think a question you need to ask yourself right now is how do you feel about this? (besides confused by her actions) What do you want to do about this? Do you want to continue kissing her and hooking up with her every now and then, and hearing about how hard she parties in her new life? Or do you want to take some time away from her to sort out how you feel about this, without her desires tainting yours? If you two broke up, I would recommend to take some space from the situation. It’s difficult to start over, especially if you’ve been with someone for two years! It’s really easy to fall back into the romance of things, and stay in a limbo, where you and your ex are hooking up, still have feelings for each other, yet are not dating. In the end, it becomes a really messy situation and it hurts even more in the end. Finally, don’t let her lead you on…
See, there’s another option here. You don’t have to totally stop talking to each other, you could take some space and then return, and try being friends. If you two really are soul mates, then maybe after things have cooled down, you can remain friends and then take another shot at things when the logistics (distance) are in your favor. However, that could have you end up feeling hopeful and if things don’t work out, you could be disappointed. I would suggest that you should keep your options open, and take some space to really focus on what YOU want. Then, maybe you can approach her and ask her what she wants and see where to go from there.
I encourage you to add more to this dialogue.
Catching those before they fall and helping those who have fallen back up,