Dear Coming Through The Rye Staff,

There is 16 year age gap between my husband and I.  He has two grown children – 19 year old son & 22 year old daughter.  They are happy being far from their dad, but everyday they squeeze him money with possible reason beside alimony.  We met and fell in love when he was totally broke.  I stand by him and support him in any way I can.  He is 50 years old, has a very short temper, and is financially doing okay after so many bad years.  He is always angry about everything, and he’s started really loudly shouting and cursing!

Just recently, I found out that he is cheating on me with prostitute.  I was shocked, but at the same time I feel for him, because l am not a sexual person.  It takes me long time to get in the mood, but it is frustrating for me.  I don’t know if I need to confront him or just be patient and give him more love, care, and sex.  Please advise me.

Sincerely,

Sun

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Dear Sun,

Thank you for writing to us here at Coming Through The Rye.  Let me first say that it’s truly unfortunate that your husband is cheating on you, with a prostitute no less.  I apologize that it took a while for me to get back to you.  I’ll be honest.  The reason why it took a while was because I had a change of heart, in terms of my position on the matter.  Usually, I have a “no-tolerance policy” with cheating and infidelity.  However, you and your husband are a special case.  Your letter made me rethink my “no-tolerance policy.”

From what you’ve written us to how you write, I can tell that you’re a kind, gentle, but strong woman.  These are lovely qualities to possess.  And I’m sure these qualities are what attracted that man and convinced him to ask you to marry him.

Personally, I have no doubt that your husband loves you.  However, love is not enough for a healthy marriage. The relationship between that of a married couple has many aspects – physical, sexual, emotional… to name a few.  Right here, right now… your woman’s intuition may very likely be correct – the relationship between you and your husband is not sexually fulfilling enough for him.

So, it would seem that an increase or improvement in sex life is the solution.  However, often I find that the simplest/most logical solution or answer isn’t always the correct one.  There’s always more to it, and in this case, there’s more to you husband than meets the eye.  In fact, there’s more to men than sex.  All men don’t always think with their penis.

You mentioned in your letter that he is not only 50 years old but has a short temper (“he’s started really loudly shouting and cursing”).  Has he always had a short temper?  Or is this recent change in his temperament?  My questioning may seem rather odd but bear with me.  It is my belief that just as women go through menopause, men also go through an analogous “transition.”  No, men will produce sperm even after 50 years of age, though in decreased volume.  However, there is no doubt a serious psychological overhaul going on with your husband.  Everything seems to be changing – and fast.  Testosterone levels are dropping, youthful good looks are fading, midlife crises, etc…  Here is a theory – loss of control.  In my studies, I’ve learned that control of life is a major component to happiness and life satisfaction.  Whether it’s loss of control in terms sex life (with you) or finances or “male menopause,” it could one or the other or even a combination of the three.  To regain control, he goes for the first easy-fix solution – sex life (with a prostitute).  After all, finances and male menopause are relatively more difficult to “fix.”  If your husband does in fact feel as if he’s losing control, he’s probably feeling frustrated and angry.  As his wife, he’s probably displacing his frustration and anger onto you by shouting and cursing.

My advice to you is to hold on a bit longer.  There’s no need to throw away your husband whom you clearly love very much and your marriage over cheating and infidelity.  Take this opportunity and use it to make your relationship stronger.  Communication is an art and a skill.  Communicate with your husband.  Address his fears, concerns, and challenges, as well as your own.

I encourage you to add more to this dialogue.

Catching those before they fall and helping those who have fallen back up,

RedHuntingHats