Dear Coming Through The Rye Staff,

Ok here’s the info. I’ve been with my girlfriend for over 2 months now and everything worked out great we had some fights but we sorted it all out. Today we met and she said she didn’t want to go to this place with me to copy some stuff cause she wants to go home and I was like all right sure and I just left. I was little angry at that time but it slowly faded away. When I came home she messaged me asking me if I was angry I said kinda but not as much as you think. We started talking and she said we should take a break or something. I said that it eventually’s gonna turn into a breakup we started talking about some stuff again and she said I don’t know, I care about you and everything I’m not for a relationship anymore, I don’t know. And I asked her if she wants to take a break or break up she said I don’t know. And after a while she said she wants to be alone and not near anyone and that no one should ask about her and that she’s feeling depressed. She said to wait a couple of days to pass so she can think about everything. I felt like this couple of weeks ago too but it passed I’m not sure if it will pass her. I don’t know what to feel I mean she changed my life after I met her she is perfect we have everything in common and I just don’t want to lose her I don’t want to breakup cause of some stupid ****, I’m scared of losing her. Do you think that we are gonna break up or..? And can you give me some advice or something to do I just feel like **** after all of this

Sincerely,

Viktor

Dear Viktor,

Thank you for writing to us here at Coming Through The Rye. It’s very stressful when a relationship’s future becomes unstable. However, sometimes it helps to realize that so many people face the same troubles! Couples fight, have disagreements, have doubts about the relationship–it’s all very natural. And if you feel awful about things, she probably does too. If your girlfriend is unsure of whether or not she wants a relationship, it could be because she’s not ready for a relationship. Some people find it easy to be in one, others find it very difficult to keep that connection. Thus, I wouldn’t be so hard on yourself. She could be struggling with more than you think, and may need time to come to a decision on what she wants. I would say give her the space she needs, because if she doesn’t get it, things can become even more tense between the two of you. As for you feeling like this break or break up is coming out of nowhere, both of you have had the urge to flee, you said you felt the same way a few weeks ago. If both of you feel this way, then (I hate to say it but..) perhaps something is not right, regardless of the fact that you feel she is perfect, and that things are perfect between you two. I tell myself that if I let someone go, and they come back to me, they were always mine to begin with. And it takes time to accept that someone you thought was so perfect for you once, may not be the person you were meant to be with. It takes a lot of time. I find solace in the fact (yes, fact!) that I wasn’t the first person in the world to be wrong about someone, and I won’t be the last! Often times, a relationship or person presents himself/herself at the wrong time in our life. You might be ready for this, but it seems like she’s not. See, if you convince her to stay now, you might end up spending a lot of time in the future convincing her to stay again and again, so it’s best for her to figure out what is best for her, and she’ll be able to do that with some time and space to think.

Now I’d like to address your feelings towards this. Are you willing to be with someone who is unsure of your relationship with her? When you had the feeling that you needed space, why did you feel that way? If there are any issues/fights between the two of you, are they due to situations or inherent differences in opinions and personalities? Finally, it seems that she just needs some time off, as she wanted to run the errand alone, and then called to express her feelings. Maybe you two have spent a lot of time together, and given up your previous friend circles to spend more time with each other? If so, I would return to balancing your free time with your significant other and your friends, because no matter how much you love the other person, sometimes spending a lot of time with them can drive you crazy! Having a balance lets you have your own life, which is not defined byonly one relationship in your life. As for something to do while she thinks things over, I think the best way is to take your mind off things–hang out with friends, watch a movie, work out, do your thing! I hope this helps, and we encourage you to add more to this dialogue.

Catching those before they fall and helping those who have fallen back up,

Antolini