Dear Coming Through The Rye Staff,
So two weeks ago, things ended. He told me he still loves me, but he just can’t be in a relationship when he knows he isn’t being the best boyfriend he knows he can be. I found out later that he slept with someone else while he was on a three-week holiday, and that he is on many dating sites and chats to girls he met there and girls he has met elsewhere.
A week after we broke up he said he misses me and he can’t stop thinking about me. He has contacted me every second day since. He told me he still loves me. However, I also found out today that he sends snapchats to girls, and they send him naked ones.
Why does he keep in contact after he ended things and is playing many other girls? It’s disgusting. When I ask why he says he wants to be friends and isn’t talking to anyone else or doing other things. However, I know 100% he is.
I’m obviously never going back there and I have made it very clear to him yet he still contacts me. As a guy or girl who has been in this situation or heard or has any advice, why would he continue to lie and do what he knows is wrong as he told me it was and he regretted it. Yet, he hasn’t stopped it.
Thank you for writing to us here at Coming Through The Rye. Let me first say that relationships are complicated as it is in terms of time and effort. Top it off with a sprinkle of infidelity and the time and effort blows out of proportion as the drama magnifies it. I will also say this, kudos to you for resisting him and his advances. It takes a lot of willpower and self-discipline to do so, especially since he was the one to break up with you.
Personally, I’ve been in a similar relationship. So I’ve been there, done that. Lots of tears and lots of emotions. I believe you when you say that you’re 100% sure of what he has been doing behind your back. And I won’t question how you obtained such information. What he has been doing – it is disgusting. More importantly though, it’s misleading and wrong.
You’re wondering why a guy would do such a thing. From my personal experience, in short, I believe guys like him are trying to keep their options open. Your ex-boyfriend broke up with you. Ask yourself, “Why?” Is this a problem or an issue that can be solved between you two? More often than not, most relationship problems or issues can be solved. However, subconsciously, your ex-boyfriend probably doesn’t believe the one in your relationship can be solved. He doesn’t have faith. It’s scattered.
As for what you should do… well you have some options. I will say this, I do believe him when he says he loves you. A person can love another person but still want security that the relationship will last. You could attempt to solve the problem or issue that broke up the relationship. See whether this restores his faith in you and the relationship. However, if I were you, I would avoid this guy like the plague. Every person deserves someone who loves him or her unconditionally. You want to find someone who loves you unconditionally… someone who won’t run at the first sign of trouble… someone who doesn’t need a “relationship safety-net.”
I encourage you to add more to this dialogue.
Catching those before they fall and helping those who have fallen back up,
That is great advice… i avoid telling people the real story behind our breakup as i dont want people to think of me any less and judge me for my judge of character..
He is still chatting to other girls and just today signed up to a new dating website. Which makes me feel terribly sorry for the girls who he is stringing along for his own gain (which i believe is purely sexual gain).
I actually still want to be his friend, i do not want anything else from him other than friendship because he is a great guy, but definitely not boyfriend material. i also feel like he needs a positive relationship in his life that is not from a male perspective. i just cannot imagine the other girls when reels them into his trickery. Do you think its wise to warn them off or just stay out of it? I don’t want what happening to them what happened to me.
The way he spoke about the girl who he slept with while on holidays was along the lines of “yeah, i got a ride alright’ so disrespectful and not even sounding remorseful… I just don’t get him….
P.S thanks for not asking by what means i got that information from! 😉 naughty me!
I apologize that it took a while for me to get back to you. This is a rather new site and I’m have some difficulty managing everything with my staff.
I certainly would not judge you or your character regardless of the story behind your breakup. What he’s doing is definitely disgusting and wrong. However, if it’s true that you still want to be “only” his friend, then I would advise you not to drag yourself into his issues. It is truly caring and kind (and noble for that matter) for you to want to warn “the others.”
Often, there are lessons in life for which no book can teach you. Often, there are lessons in life that one has to learn on his or her own. Perhaps, this is one of them – for him.