Dear Coming Through The Rye Staff,

I’m just little bit confused about always dreaming of my ex-boyfriend. Every time I dream my ex-boyfriend is constantly staring or looking at me in my dreams. When we first had sexual intercourse, I also dreamed of him & until now we’re not together I always dreamed about him. Constantly every month & sometimes for consecutive days..What is the meaning of constantly dreaming of my ex-boyfriend? Do you have any idea? Thank you!

Sincerely,

Peachy

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Dear Peachy,

Thank you for writing to us here at Coming Through The Rye. It can be very frustrating to dream of the same subject over and over again. I have definitely been in your position many times before, and so I will respond to your letter based on my experience with my dreams. Typically, when we dream, our mind pulls issues that we are subconsciously thinking about during the day, and these issues surface in dreams. I don’t have a lot of detail to work with, so I will do my best. I don’t know how long you two were dating, how long it has been since the two of you broke up, and on what conditions you parted ways. If it was a long term relationship, the healing process will take awhile. It could take a really long time if you were very attached to him, even if you were together for only a short period of time. Since he is still showing up in your dreams, you subconscious is trying to deal with the break up, and you could still have feelings (positive or negative) for him. Further, each individual could have a different healing time for the same subject, as we are all unique. You also mentioned that you two had intercourse. Having sexual intercourse deeply binds two individuals together, so that could have you hung up on him, especially if it was an emotional experience for you (or your first time). Another thing that could explain why you dream about him so much is how you two broke up. Was it mutual? Was it over a fight? Were you able to have closure? Do you still have feelings towards him, such as anger or disappointment, that you want to express?

I think the modern dating experience is very transient, and a lot of times we don’t get to say everything we want at the end, or relationships end abruptly and unexpectedly, and the responsibility to get closure is on our own shoulders. If you still have things that you want to say to him, sometimes it helps to write a letter to that person. I’ve done this before, written letters but refrained from sending them. They were for the sole purpose of sorting out my emotions towards the person and my emotions on the whole relationship. It really helps me! The best part is, that no one has to read it, if you don’t want them to.

Essentially, I believe there are unresolved feelings concerning your ex-boyfriend in your mind and heart and it is up to you to resolve them. It helps to talk to a friend, or write, or you can use Coming Through the Rye! Moving on is a very hard step, and finding closure on your own is even more difficult. Struggling with recurring dreams can also become very frustrating, but as you work through the issue, you will find yourself dreaming of him less and less. We encourage you to add more to this dialogue, so we can enable you to reach a stage where you are no longer dreaming of your ex-boyfriend and can move on.

Catching those before they fall and helping those who have fallen back up,

Antolini