Dear Coming Through The Rye Staff,

I am 20 years old and female.  I have never had a boyfriend.  I have kissed one guy so far.  I have been on several dates, but whether I didn’t like the guy or the guy I liked, didn’t turn up again.  I am not a person who defines myself upon having a man, but I feel very miserable and alone.  I am very social and outgoing and most people say I am beautiful.  I study in a college and have hobbies.

However, guys never call me back after a dinner or a date.  I don’t look them straightly as potential boyfriends or put pressure on them.  After a date for example they say:  “I hope to see you again” but they never show up again and stop talking to me.  I believe I am not making myself look like I am desperate, but whatever I do (show interest or not show interest) it’s all the same.

Also, when I was in junior or high school, I had a group of friends, but I’ve always been the one last called or to be invited somewhere.  Others met up sometimes without inviting me.

Now I am in college and it’s same again.  I think they are ok with me, but I am the one that they least like.  They talk with me sometimes we go out BUT they are closer with each other than being close with me.  They text each other and care about each other and I am just a loner.

Even my family said:  “Did you make a guy run away again.”  I feel so worthless and depressed.  No one likes me and wants me as a friend or girlfriend… I feel humiliated.  Sometimes, my friends would say to me:  “I can set up a guy for you.”  This is pathetic and they know I would say no.  And it’s not like they would really set me up with somebody.

What do you think I am doing wrong?  Why am I always the one to be cared for least?  I am a human being.  I need to love and to be loved.  I always keep telling myself that someday I will have good friends and a boyfriend.  But every time, I get more disappointed and believe me, I don’t really have high standards.

Thanks for reading.  Looking forward for your answers.

Sincerely,

Tina

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Dear Tina,

We thank you for sharing your story with us here at Coming Through the Rye.  Based on your letter, I believe that you are not doing anything wrong.  You are simply being a human, who desires being welcomed and accepted among friends and social groups.  I feel that I can relate to you and your situation.  Growing up, especially in high school and college, I often felt that other people are more compatible with others among my circle of friends.  I often felt that I didn’t fit in with others and that I have nothing interesting to offer to others.

Looking at your letter as a whole, I can see how fragile your impression is of yourself.  I think many of the issues that you discussed come from your low self-confidence.  Let’s boost your confidence of yourself a little and discuss what makes you, you.  In college, what are you interested in studying?  You said you have hobbies, tell us what they are or keep them in mind for a moment.  About your college major and your hobbies, are you interested in them?  Do they make you happy?  If so, is there a college group that you can get involved in?

I think it is important for college students, such as yourself, to go out and meet people.  And what better way than to meet individuals that share similar interests.  Depending on how big or small your college is, it can be challenging to meet individuals who are interested in getting to know you on a deeper level.  I went to a large university.  Many times, when I met other students, we talked only superficially, scraping the surface of each others personality.  It is definitely not easy, but people that seem interested in getting to know you, try to get to know them gradually and build the friendship/relationship over time.

In this world, there are so many people.  It hurts to know that many people may not take the time to get know you.  But, instead of focusing on people who are not interested in you, focus your energy on those individuals that are interested in you.  There are other individuals that will accept and appreciate you as you are.  It is important to get yourself out to different groups.  And, I believe you already do.  You put yourself (your personality, your interests, your hobbies) out for others by going out, such as going on dates.  Simply by reading your letter, you sound like an interesting person, who is active and knows what she wants.

It can be so lonely on this journey for searching, uncovering, and nurturing friendships and relationships.  But, it is important to remember that you are giving your effort every day.  Stay strong Tina!

Catching those before they fall and helping those who have fallen back up,

Phoebe